Addressing the Allegations

Over the weekend, I was credibly accused by a New York Times journalist of being Patrick Heij, an individual with close ties to Marin Lately.

I would now like to address these allegations.

I admit to being Patrick Heij, but my role at Marin Lately has been limited to writing and publishing all of the articles. That would be a completely harmless activity, akin to journaling, if it were not for the people who read it. These individuals are clearly the lynchpins of the enterprise. Please see the special thanks section below where I will publicly name the worst of the worst.

Speaking of names, I would now like to address one of the thornier controversies embedded within the New York Times exposé, with inside information you cannot get anywhere else:

My last name “Heij” is actually pronounced like “Hi”, the customary greeting many of you will be familiar with. Furthermore, I am acutely aware that the name “Heij” makes it sound like my family was named after a task lamp sold by IKEA. But here's a news flash: IKEA named the task lamps after us.

I'll leave it at that, for now, as I am very busy trying to capitalize on my notoriety. I am in talks to be the new face of Merrill's open-toed water shoes, for example, and have been approached by some of the major players in the granola space.

Exciting times, and more to come soon!