Bikers across the country are facing a reckoning after an audit revealed that the miles-to-I.P.A.’s ratio has been severely underestimated. The problem is particularly acute in Marin County, where the M.T.I. metric recently crossed a critical threshold: parity, or a full 16 ounces of craft beer every 5280 feet.
“Derek actually got more bloated after he got his Stumpjumper,” said Mill Valley wife Harbin Finney. “After a ride he’ll pass out on the couch and I’ll have to wrestle him out of those absurdly long shorts.” The issue is indeed widespread in the mountain biking community, but road bikers are also increasingly seen hoisting pints after laughably short climbs. “Oh, definitely,” said Fairfax bartender owner Sam Darnold. “They click-clack on in here all the time. After they’ve had a couple I have to remind them to keep their legs crossed.”
The most at-risk contingent by far, however, is the E-bikers, who – thanks to their powerful motors – often arrive at drinking holes without having gotten any exercise whatsoever. “Sadly, we see a lot of people's lives go downhill after getting a Turbo Levo,” said a clinician who studies the group. “There’s just nothing to slow them down.”