Northern Spotted Owl Misgendered

A so-called nature-lover callously misgendered a Northern Spotted Owl, one of the most majestic creatures in our ecosystem, during a hike on Sunday. “He sure is beautiful,” said careless bigot Adele Lora, without even checking to see if the owl had a penis, or what. 

If Lora had taken the time to understand the issue, she would have discovered that owls — along with eagles, flamingos and penguins — “completely lost their penises” a long time ago, according to National Geographic. That historical tragedy went unexplored by Lora, who consequently never learned the facts as they stand today: that owls' reproductive organs are small, interchangeable nubs called cloacas.

A tiny bit of respectful research into owl genitalia*, far from fruitless, ultimately would have revealed that the difference between male and female Northern Spotted Owls is more easily determined by their size, as they otherwise look very similar. But Lora only made excuses when confronted with this widely available information. “But there was...only one owl,” she stammered, before finally admitting that her odds of getting it right were never better than 50/50.

*Experts say that inspecting an owl's privates is not only invasive, but a poor methodology for verifying their gender status.